A Retrospective, of sorts

Yesterday I got my second Pfizer Covid 19 vaccine shot.  So in either 2 weeks (via CDC guidelines) or 1 week (via Pfizer guidelines) I will be fully vaccinated.  That is good news and I am thankful for that.  But I can't decide what that really means for me.  After a year of life being on hold, what activities will I actually resume?  What degree of "normal" will I be comfortable with and how soon?  I really don't know and I don't know how to know.  That got me thinking about the past year and the future.

By chance, I happened to watch a video this afternoon that really just had an affect on me.  It actually brought a little tear to my eye (full disclosure, if you know me, you know that's not especially hard to do).  The video was of Hozier singing Bridge Over Troubled Water last June in a dark, empty stadium with a socially distanced orchestra playing.  And while I still ultimately prefer the original Simon and Garfunkel version of the song, to me, this version just seemed to so embody this past year - the darkness, the emptiness, the distance, but also the message of the song, that you have someone there for you in the darkness.  It was just very moving.

I can't help but wonder, when I look back on this time in my life, how will I remember it?  If my grandchildren ask me what it was like to live through the Covid 19 pandemic (because they will likely all be too young to really remember it for themselves), what will I tell them?  I would love to be able to show them that video, and maybe I will be able to. There has been a lot of darkness and uncertainty, with more yet to come, I'm sure.  But there have also been points of light.  While we lost my mother-in-law to Covid in January, we also found out we are going to have another grandchild this coming August.  While we have lost a whole year of being able to visit with one granddaughter, and much fewer visits with our other granddaughter, my husband and I have grown even closer than we were before the pandemic started.  In many ways we've been able to return to what our relationship was in the beginning, when we first met and fell in love, and that has been a wonderful blessing.

Also, one year ago yesterday, I wrote a post about putting the pandemic's death toll numbers in perspective with other causes of death.  According to the New York Times, as of today the US death toll stands at 541,037, which puts it within the estimated range given a year ago, and stands at slightly less than the 2017 total for cancer deaths.  Somewhat interesting to look back at, for whatever it's worth.

Reality is a Jar of Almonds

This is my new attitude about life: Reality is a Jar of Almonds!  Now I recognize that, on the surface of things, this assertion makes no sense, which would probably be sufficient in and of itself to explain life, but I do have an explanation.  The explanation is rooted in logical fallacies, mindfulness, and Whose Line is it Anyway?.

So here we go.  I have a tendency toward assuming that when I look at a situation I can explain it in one of two ways, or maybe three ways (usually somewhere in between), and that one of those ways must be correct.  This type of thinking employs one, or two, logical fallacies.  When I assume that there are only two options, I'm engaging in the "black or white" fallacy (aka false dilemma or false dichotomy).  If I allow for a third option that is somewhere in between, I am undoubtedly falling prey to the "middle ground" fallacy.

The truth of the matter is that reality is so much more complex than I can imagine. This is where mindfulness comes into the picture.  In the book Mindfulness of Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn that I have (partially) read, the author states, 

We can feel victimized by our thoughts, or blinded by them.  We can easily mis-take [sic] them for the truth or for reality when in actuality they are just waves on its surface, however tumultuous they may be at times. (p. 36)

When looking at a problem or situation, there are undoubtedly factors that I have not taken into consideration at all that were actually contributing to whatever it is that I'm trying to understand.  I can't know it all, so I can't consider it all, therefore I will never fully understand the thing that I wish to understand.  This is a fact that I need to learn to deal with, but it's not easy. 

So how does this bring me to the assertion that reality is, in fact, a jar of almonds?  Well, that is where Whose Line is it Anyway? comes into the story.  There was an episode of the show where they were improvising a game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?.  Brad Sherwood, in the role of quiz-master, asks Ryan Stiles a question, followed by four possible answers, in Who Wants to be a Millionaire? fashion.  But he then suggest that Ryan can go off the board and choose option E - a jar of almonds.  

So when I am trying to remind myself that I don't have all the information and my hypothetical explanations don't cover all the options, my new shorthand is to simply remind myself that reality is a jar of almonds - that alternate explanation that I never even thought of.

2020 Reading List

As we all know, 2020 was not a good year.  For many people, it might have been a good year for reading.  For me, it was better than last year (with only 9 books), but I still had long stretches when I wasn't reading.  Apparently reading was not my coping mechanism any more than sewing was.  I'm not sure I really had a coping mechanism, but I made it through the year in one piece, so that's at least something.  Without further ado, here is my 2020 reading list.

Books

1. No Escape Claws - Sofie Ryan
2. Civil War Sampler - Barbara Brackman
3. Sojourner Truth: Ain't I a Woman - Patricia C. & Fredrick McKissack
4. Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
5. Alabama: One Big Front Porch - Kathryn Tucker Windham
6. Claw Enforcement - Sofie Ryan
7. Rebecca - Daphne du Maurier
8. Tongues of Flame - Mary Ward Brown
9. The Boyfriend School - Sarah Bird
10. Lady Susan - Jane Austen

Short Stories

1. "Neighbor Rosicky" & "The Sculptor's Funeral" - Willa Cather
2. "A White Heron" - Sarah Orne Jewett
3. "Babylon Revisited" - F. Scott Fitzgerald
4. "Rip Van Winkle" & "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" - Washington Irving
5. "Young Goodman Brown" & "The Maypole of Merry Mount" - Nathaniel Hawthorne
6. "Rappaccini's Daughter" & "Bartleby the Scrivener" - Herman Melville
7. "My Contraband" - Louisa May Alcott
8. "The Queen of Spades" - Alexander Pushkin
9. "A Simple Heart" - Gustave Flaubert

Four out of the first 5 books were read for Women's History Month.  

The last two books were read because of watching the movie version of the books. 

I got caught up on my Sofie Ryan series.  

I read Rebecca because it was on a list somewhere, but I forget what list or why I was reading said list.

Tongues of Flame is a collection of short stories that I read as an undergraduate and wanted to reread it.  It also led to reading the non-collected short stories, which I read with my husband (a retired literature professor).  I was thinking that I might want to try to write some short stories, but I never did.