The Little Things

Two months ago today, Dec. 6, our contractor tore out our kitchen - no appliances (except the refrigerator that got moved to the dining room), no cabinets, no countertops, no running water.  We had been told we would be without a kitchen for 3 weeks.  We knew it would take longer, but we weren't expecting it to take over 8 weeks, but it did.  Things still aren't back to normal, but as of Friday the kitchen now functions with cabinets (that still need some work), countertops, a working stove, and running water.  When the countertops went in on Tuesday I actually kinda hugged them and said to my husband, "I never want to be without countertops again."  

When you have to go for an extended period of time without the things that you normally take for granted, you really appreciate them once you get them back.  I know that remodeling is a luxury that many people wish for and don't get to do.  And for that, too, I am thankful.  But living through this whole process (which still isn't finished), has really made me come to appreciate the little things in life.

A Retrospective, of sorts

Yesterday I got my second Pfizer Covid 19 vaccine shot.  So in either 2 weeks (via CDC guidelines) or 1 week (via Pfizer guidelines) I will be fully vaccinated.  That is good news and I am thankful for that.  But I can't decide what that really means for me.  After a year of life being on hold, what activities will I actually resume?  What degree of "normal" will I be comfortable with and how soon?  I really don't know and I don't know how to know.  That got me thinking about the past year and the future.

By chance, I happened to watch a video this afternoon that really just had an affect on me.  It actually brought a little tear to my eye (full disclosure, if you know me, you know that's not especially hard to do).  The video was of Hozier singing Bridge Over Troubled Water last June in a dark, empty stadium with a socially distanced orchestra playing.  And while I still ultimately prefer the original Simon and Garfunkel version of the song, to me, this version just seemed to so embody this past year - the darkness, the emptiness, the distance, but also the message of the song, that you have someone there for you in the darkness.  It was just very moving.

I can't help but wonder, when I look back on this time in my life, how will I remember it?  If my grandchildren ask me what it was like to live through the Covid 19 pandemic (because they will likely all be too young to really remember it for themselves), what will I tell them?  I would love to be able to show them that video, and maybe I will be able to. There has been a lot of darkness and uncertainty, with more yet to come, I'm sure.  But there have also been points of light.  While we lost my mother-in-law to Covid in January, we also found out we are going to have another grandchild this coming August.  While we have lost a whole year of being able to visit with one granddaughter, and much fewer visits with our other granddaughter, my husband and I have grown even closer than we were before the pandemic started.  In many ways we've been able to return to what our relationship was in the beginning, when we first met and fell in love, and that has been a wonderful blessing.

Also, one year ago yesterday, I wrote a post about putting the pandemic's death toll numbers in perspective with other causes of death.  According to the New York Times, as of today the US death toll stands at 541,037, which puts it within the estimated range given a year ago, and stands at slightly less than the 2017 total for cancer deaths.  Somewhat interesting to look back at, for whatever it's worth.

Reality is a Jar of Almonds

This is my new attitude about life: Reality is a Jar of Almonds!  Now I recognize that, on the surface of things, this assertion makes no sense, which would probably be sufficient in and of itself to explain life, but I do have an explanation.  The explanation is rooted in logical fallacies, mindfulness, and Whose Line is it Anyway?.

So here we go.  I have a tendency toward assuming that when I look at a situation I can explain it in one of two ways, or maybe three ways (usually somewhere in between), and that one of those ways must be correct.  This type of thinking employs one, or two, logical fallacies.  When I assume that there are only two options, I'm engaging in the "black or white" fallacy (aka false dilemma or false dichotomy).  If I allow for a third option that is somewhere in between, I am undoubtedly falling prey to the "middle ground" fallacy.

The truth of the matter is that reality is so much more complex than I can imagine. This is where mindfulness comes into the picture.  In the book Mindfulness of Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn that I have (partially) read, the author states, 

We can feel victimized by our thoughts, or blinded by them.  We can easily mis-take [sic] them for the truth or for reality when in actuality they are just waves on its surface, however tumultuous they may be at times. (p. 36)

When looking at a problem or situation, there are undoubtedly factors that I have not taken into consideration at all that were actually contributing to whatever it is that I'm trying to understand.  I can't know it all, so I can't consider it all, therefore I will never fully understand the thing that I wish to understand.  This is a fact that I need to learn to deal with, but it's not easy. 

So how does this bring me to the assertion that reality is, in fact, a jar of almonds?  Well, that is where Whose Line is it Anyway? comes into the story.  There was an episode of the show where they were improvising a game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?.  Brad Sherwood, in the role of quiz-master, asks Ryan Stiles a question, followed by four possible answers, in Who Wants to be a Millionaire? fashion.  But he then suggest that Ryan can go off the board and choose option E - a jar of almonds.  

So when I am trying to remind myself that I don't have all the information and my hypothetical explanations don't cover all the options, my new shorthand is to simply remind myself that reality is a jar of almonds - that alternate explanation that I never even thought of.

Obsessive Thinking

I have an issue with obsessive thinking.  Sometimes, when I get an idea in my head, I just have trouble getting it out of my head.  It could be a problem that I'm trying to solve or an issue that I am wrestling with.  Or it could just be the lyrics to a song that I'm puzzling over their meaning or what they mean to me.  Whatever the subject, it tends to stick around and monopolize my mental energy.

On a couple of recent occasions, the thoughts/issues that I was wrestling with lent themselves to sending an email to someone to express my thoughts on a subject.  In each case, I felt that the person I was emailing wanted to know, or needed to know, or would benefit from knowing my thoughts.  In those cases, I felt better after sending the email.  It's not that I completely stopped thinking about the issue, but I felt that my mind could rest from the subject at that point.  The obsessive nature of the thinking subsided.

My catharsis in writing down my thoughts made me think of the lines to a song - Breathe by Anna Nalick:

Two AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to

Now I'm no poet or lyricist, but I do feel that getting my ideas carefully thought out and arranged in writing is helpful.  In many cases, however, there isn't necessarily an individual that I can, or want to, email about the topic on my mind, so I'm thinking that I will try do that here on this blog.  I haven't blogged regularly in long time, and I still may not do it regularly, but I think it's worth giving it a try.  I could just write my thoughts in a journal or diary, but I think there is also value in the knowledge that I am sharing my thoughts with someone else.  Even if no one actually comes across them and reads them, they are out there.  Maybe that matters somehow. 

I have to be aware also of what Anna Nalick goes on share in the next few lines of the song:

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

I know that sometimes people will come along and take offense at the things that are said on the internet, but I suppose that is the risk that I'm taking.   And, it's my blog, so if the comments get annoying, I can always disable them for an individual post (as has only happened once).

Why Going to the Zoo Makes Me Sad

Earlier in the summer, my family and I took a trip to Seattle, Washington.  The first full day that we were there we went to the zoo.  We spent almost the whole day there, and I took a lot of pictures (some better than others).  I realized while I was there that being at the zoo makes me kind of sad.  This picture (below) is a good illustration of why that is.

It's not a very good quality picture, and there is a good bit of reflection in the glass, but it is the subject of the picture that tells the story.  While we were there, this gorilla just sat with his (or her, I don't know) back to the glass staring into the distance.  He just seemed sad and like he was really tired of having people look at him all the time. 

I know that there is value to zoos, and that, as a general rule they take good care of the animals and protect them.  But especially when it comes to seeing primates in captivity it makes me feel like I'm visiting a jail just to gawk at the prisoners.  It just feels wrong and it makes me sad.

Oh well, I'm just a bleeding heart anyway, so I guess there is no surprise that I'd feel that way. . .

Music Midtown Festival

Wow, it's been a while since I posted anything here. But this definitely seemed worth posting about. I went to the Music Midtown Festival over the weekend. It was so much fun. I've never been to a music festival like this before. It was like a sea of people out there. We got pretty close to the stage for the shows we were interested in.

This was Garbage performing.

Here is a picture of me and my  husband, just to prove we were actually there.

This is a picture of the crowd behind us before the Florence + the Machine show.

This is the crowd in front of us while they were setting up for Florence + the Machine.

And then, the main event. . .Pearl Jam.  This was the only picture I got that wasn't just a blur of light.  We managed to get pretty close to the stage, but there were soooo many people it was still hard to see.  I held the camera up over my head to get this pic. 

It was so amazing to actually be there and be down so close to the stage where everyone is singing and packed together like sardines.  When you are that close you can feel the music in your chest.  I had a great time and I'm so glad we went.

I'm looking forward to going to see Eddie Vedder perform in Jacksonville, FL in November.  I know it will be a completely different kind of show there, but I'm also sure I'll have a better view of the stage and a place to sit down.  :)

Update to "My Map"

Today I was looking back at an old post to find a link to a site to make a colored map for use in my American National Government class. I ended up not using the site, because it was specifically for making a map of the US states you have visited, but it reminded me of how out of date my map is. So I decided to make a new one to show my updated travels since January 2007. It has been a lot of fun adding new states to my map. Someday, maybe I can color them all!

A sad day

Today is a sad day for my family. My uncle, William Ray Strickland died this morning after an extended illness. He was only 44 years old, but has had health issues since 1996 when he contracted encephalitis during the outbreak in Atlanta.

Rest in Peace, Will. We will all miss you.

Trip Pictures

I've uploaded most of our trip pictures from our trip to New England and Niagara Falls to Webshots. There is a permanent link to my albums over in the side bar, but here is a link to the new album. Here are just a few to get you started. Enjoy.

American Falls at Niagara

Nubble Lighthouse

Bass Harbor Head Lighthouse

On an Academic Note

I got a paper proposal accepted!!

The paper is called "Carrying the Fire": Political Liberalism and Realism in Cormac McCarthy's The Road. It will be presented at the Western Literature Association Conference in Spearfish, South Dakota this fall.

You might be asking yourself, "Western Lit? I thought you taught political science?" Well, yes, yes I do teach poli sci, but I'm doing a political look at a piece of modern literature and this is a conference that welcomes and encourages scholars from other disciplines to present at their conference. Plus, my husband is presenting a paper there as well, so I was going anyway, so why not see if I could present too, right?

On lying

Recently I've been thinking a lot about lying and why people seem so inclined to do it. Now, of course, I've lied, everybody has, but I just seem to be surrounded lately by instances where people want to lie and or hide the truth from people close to them. In some cases I've understood the motive, and in other cases, not so much. Plus, I have been lied to so incredibly much in my life that I have learned to greatly despise the practice and have a very low tolerance for being knowingly lied to by the people I voluntarily associate with.

So this morning I decided to do a Google search on why people lie. I found an article that I thought was interesting and somewhat helpful called "Why We Lie" from LiveScience.com. Apparently one of the main reasons that people lie is because of self-esteem issues. That sounds pretty reasonable to me. I did find this statement in the article particularly interesting:

Men lie no more than women, but they tend to lie to make themselves look better, while women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.

And there was also this statement, which to some degree I already knew:

humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others, researchers say. People are so engaged in managing how others perceive them that they are often unable to separate truth from fiction in their own minds

Very interesting. But then again, as a social scientist, I've always been very interested in what people do and why they do it. I've always been a people watcher, that is what drew me to the social sciences in the first place. I'm not really good at interacting with people, but I love to watch and study them.

So anyway, my minimal amount of research has led me to the conclusion that I will probably never obtain the truth that I so desperately wish to know. The person in question is probably incapable of being honest enough with himself to give me an honest answer to my questions if I ever got the chance to ask them. I guess I am just left to form my own conclusion and go on with my life, but I hate having unanswered questions floating around in my mind. Anyone who truly knows me knows the truth in that statement.

Dealing with what we own

One of today's quotes on my iGoogle homepage really struck home with me this morning. It is particularly appropriate considering how I have been spending most of my summer vacation so far. The quote is from John Ruskin and it says:

Every increased possession loads us with new weariness.

For the past month and a half I've been trying to cull through all the accumulated junk in our shed and in the children's rooms to try to make room for my eldest son to return home after a year of dorm life. It is amazing to me how much stuff a family of 5 can accumulate and hold onto over time. As I look through the piles and piles of old toys (many never really played with beyond the opening at Christmas and some never even opened!) I begin to realize the opportunity cost associated with so much stuff. And I being to look at possession in something of a different light. Do you say to yourself "I might as well keep it," or "It's a good price, I might as well buy it" or should you say, "What am I ever going to do with this?" or "Where am I going to put this?" I find myself realizing that we do become wearied and weighed down by our possessions. Sometimes I think it is true that less is more.

Thank Heaven!!!

Well, it is finally over, the worst semester in history. I had some bad semesters when I was a student, but this semester, as a professor, was even worse. But at least I found out some very important things about myself and others.

First, I've determined that I never want to teach two Tuesday-Thursday classes back to back ever again. And in fact, I'd rather not teach them at all if possible. I never liked being a student in a Tuesday-Thursday class and I equally despise being the professor of one. I don't have the attention span to listen to someone lecture for 75 minutes and I don't have the stamina to do it myself. Also, I found it very difficult to learn the names of my students in the T-Th classes because I only saw them twice a week. And I hate not knowing my students' names.

Also, I found out that medication for depression and anxiety is not a cure all. And that sometimes following the advice of medical professionals is not the best course of action if it doesn't feel right to you. And as a corollary to that discovery I will add this. Don't let your "friends" convince you to start taking drugs. I know you always hear that in regard to illegal drugs, but it applies also to prescription drugs. They may be helpful in some circumstances, but don't let anyone convince you that they are really the answer, because most likely, they aren't. Plus, there is a good chance that the same friends that convinced you to take them in the first place won't be willing to be there for you when you still have problems in spite of the fact (or possibly because of the fact) that you are taking said medication.

This leads me to the other unpleasant discovery of the semester. That is that two people that I thought were my friends, were indeed, not my friends at all. It is my opinion that friends don't give friends the absolute boot and subsequent cold shoulder without any chance to clear up misunderstandings or even state your case in the matter. If they just make assumptions about your motives and feeling without even addressing the issue with you until they were ready to call it completely quites, that is not a friend. Plus, I have to say that to lie to a person about your feeling when you know that person has social anxiety is just cruel. Cruel. Period. Exclamation point! There is no other explanation for it. I guess the good thing is that I know now and I feel much better knowing where I stand. And in fact it makes me feel a little better about my judgment knowing that the discomfort I was detecting was real and not just a figment of my imagination as I was wrongly being led to believe.

The semester was not all bad, however. I did find that I can make at least a small difference in lives of my students. Teaching can be very demanding, but it can be fulfilling as well. I'm getting much more comfortable in the classroom and much more comfortable with the idea that it is my classroom and that I should focus on what I feel is most important regardless of how the textbook is designed.

So, anyway, I'll say again, thank heaven that it is finally over. I'm looking forward to a much more relaxing and enjoyable summer.

I must be a rare person

I came across a quote today, from Dick Cavett of all people, that really struck a chord with me.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

If Dick is right in his assessment, then I guess I am a truly rare person. And I say that because I almost always want to hear what people assume I don't want to hear. Partially it has something to do with my masochistic tendencies, but mostly it is just because I hate not knowing the truth.

I wonder

Goethe once said "As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." I have to wonder if that will ever happen to me.

Merry Christmas!

It has been such a busy day today that this is the first chance I've had to blog and I don't have much of a chance now. Mostly I just want to say Merry Christmas. I hope you all have a joyous and blessed day!

Some overdue pictures

Seeing Steven Taylor's pictures of fall color from his trip this weekend reminded me that I never posted any pictures from my trip to Washington last month. So here they are. Enjoy!

Speaking of things I like

I love this song!One line in the song talks about saying "I love you":

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

I can definitely understand the sentiment there. Sometimes saying I love you just doesn't seem to get the point across well enough.

On the other hand, I would say that while I love you is often said too much, it also isn't said enough. Too often in life we say I love you when we don't really mean it and we don't always say it when we do really feel it. It is okay to say I love you to your spouse or significant other, your child or your parent. But so often we have people that are so important to our lives, our dear and close friend, that we don't say I love you to, but we wouldn't know what to do without them.

So, to my dear friends, I do love you, even if I don't say it. You're the best!

12 years and counting!

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary and I couldn't be happier. I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me dearly and whom I love dearly.

I looked back at my post from today a year ago and I am happy to report that today is indeed a much better day. No trips to the hospital for tests and no soccer games to get kids to. I don't even have to go to work today. In addition to that, it is a beautiful fall day with nice fall-like temperatures. I couldn't ask for a better day to celebrate my anniversary on.

Today we are again planning to have a nice quiet dinner for two in Montgomery. We are actually planning to spend most of the afternoon in Montgomery today. We were going to stop in and visit some friends, but since they are a little under the weather today, we will have to miss out on our visit, but I still anticipate a very nice day.

Even more pictures

My two older boys having a snowball fight in mid-July at Rocky Mt. National Park.

A chipmunk eating a nut in Rocky Mt.

The Grand Teton Mountains